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[Tuesday
February 14th, 2006
11:18pm] |
MM so it's valentine's day! It's the first valentine's day ever I have a boyfriend lol. But it wasn't actually that big of a deal cause we both decided not to make a big deal of it since my birthday is next week ( on the 24th!) so i didn't want him having to do something for v-day and my birthday and suuuch.
Anyways, in english we're studying Utopia and Dystopias and it really has got me thinking. When people are sad or whatever they always say they wish the world was more perfect or whatever. But if the world was more perfect in my point of view, it could be that much less perfect for someone else. No matter how much you try to make your surroundings perfect and everything, things are bound to go wrong because that's just the way life is - life will happen with all its imperfections whether you can look around you and say "man, this is a Utopia.". Sometimes life is awesome and you feel so, infinite (haha perks of being a wallflower). It's true though there are moments especially lately that it's just like....gaaah i want to make sure i remember that one moment forever & everything about it - the surrounding, the sounds, the feeling, the smell....just everything. I've found myself finding more and more of those moments, times where most people can't - which i have grown proud of because i do have a larger appreciation for life now! which is very awesome.
Just when everything is so perfect, and in that moment it's not about what you have for homework or how angry your mom will be that you are late for curfew (again), it's just you & that moment where nothing else matters. It's like you're at peace with yourself and the world around you. It's a moment of complete relaxation and realization that things aren't always going to be perfect, but they definately don't suck all the time and that you should savour that moment, remember it so when another crappy moment comes along you can close your eyes and try to return to that state of bliss.
That moment is everything to me <3
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[Wednesday
February 1st, 2006
5:06pm] |
Ah so i haven't updated in a while - wuddup with that?
So updates:
I'm in love with René Talbot..we've been going out like officially for about 4 months, dated for a while. and before that we were those people that always kinda held hands and what not but when asked "do you guys like eachother" we would both go nooo way.
Ahh i love him so frickin much it's amazing. This is the real thing and i hope it lasts for a very , very long time. If it was up to me and the way i've been feeling constantly for the past like half of a year, i would marry this kid. But time will tell right? Can't make any promises lol i just hope it works out - i don't want to get hurt and the fact that he's the most amazing guy ever for me and i don't want to lose that.
Annnnd he left for Panorama today until Monday....i'm so jealous and i miss him already, i know i'm pathetic. See when you miss someone like the instant they leave it's actually not pathetic cause it's not like your spending your day going " man i wish he was here to be with me right now" it's more like...man i can't even talk to you for like 6 days! It'll go by fast i'm sure.
Hmm soccer is kinda sucking lately cause we've been losing lots.
First semester was alright....Math exam was ridicoulous. Most people after exams they go like...yah i totally failed that. And i actually think i might have. so i'm screwed. Next semester is kinda disgusting - i have one spare in the morning and one in the afternoon so it's all weird. Not like this semester where it was perrrfect. Sometimes i'd go in at 8:30 and then have from 9:50-1:15 off, or i would be able to sleep in a bit and then have a long lunch or be able to like not have class till 11:05 now it's all BLAH. lol but i have english and chemistry so it should be awesome cause i love those classes.
Still very sick. I first starting feeling really sick last summer and they still haven't figured out what's wrong with me. I've gone for like a gazillion tests and stuff and gah it honestly sucks so much. It's the weirdest feeling too. Can't even describe it but it's totally awful and it's honestly ruining my life - i can't do a lot of the stuff i want to do and been taking lots of medication and that's never a good way to live. And i might not be able to get to go to Africa if it stays like this like it seems it is - mostly because i won't be able to get my vaccinations starting in April and i can't go without em! :(
I realized that like alll my friends that i actually hang out with go to Gab-Roy and that's kinda weird and really sucky. I don't really hang out with anyone from CJS anymore outside of school, except for Rachel a little bit. I think i missed the period where everyone formed their clicks and now i'm just kinda a floater but i hate that feeling. I'm convinced just like people don't like me at CJS, people i used to hang out so much. And everyone has changed so much, and i know i have too. But i don't know, some people i don't miss them, i see who they've changed into and i'm glad i'm not a part of that. Which is like the majority of people, gosh why does everyone drink lol. Not even just people from CJS, but like my friends at Gab too they just don't make a necessity out of it and don't drink to get like drunk and sick and all that disgusting stuff. I really don't get the point in drinking and i don't. I don't need anything to help me have a good time or loosen up or anything. Seems like a lot of people from my school are like that - only knowing fun under the influence of whatever it is. I guess that's why i hang out with people from gab - because they are more the people i like to surround myself with. Oh well things are what they are right?
I need a job, like badly. I need money for gas and to support my snowboarding haha. and just i want stuff! and i have no money that i want to spend haha. need to save for university expenses and all that crap. frick i'm old.
My birthday is in a few weeks (February 24th - remember it). Seventeen that's so weiiiiird. Soon i'll be 18 and i'll be buying loto tickets and porno films and going to casinos.. haha jj about the porno part, but hey if i wanted to i could cuz i would be 18! lol. But yah it feels weird, so grown up.
That's all for now.
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[Sunday
December 18th, 2005
10:37am] |
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that’s the problem with forever. you can’t promise someone forever because things change. and people change and that’s just the way the world is. the problem with forever is you start to picture every second of your life with that person, and when they are gone you have nothing left. I’m not a fan of forever. I’m a fan of today, and tomorrow and yesterday. Takin’ it day by day seems like a good plan for me.
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[Wednesday
December 14th, 2005
10:37pm] |
who wants a life that's filled with semesters
and useless knowledge and wasted credits?
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[Thursday
November 24th, 2005
11:03am] |
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<3 I'm so proud.
Have you ever been just so happy about your friends? I mean, i'm surrounding by amazing people and it's a beautiful thing. I'm SO blessed to be able to know such awesome people doing great things with their lives. <3
Luc, je sais que tu es là.<3
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[Friday
November 18th, 2005
10:49pm] |
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do you believe in coincidences - or is everything planned?
like if you're talking or reading or thinking something and that exact same word is said by someone else - someone who you're talking to or someone on the tv or radio. Of all the words you could say and all the times you could say it - you end up saying it at the same time. is it just a fluke? or is there more behind it.
when you think about someone and you have your iTunes on random and the song the reminds you the most of them comes on next - is it a mere coincidence or is it a way of them telling you they are thinking of you too? When you're passing by your ex-boyfriend's house the day after he passes and 'your song' plays on the radio at that exact moment - does it mean anything to you? Do you think anything of it or just say..woah that's freaky?
Do you think spirits can live on in other people? And the deceased can come back to teach you lessons or give you something they never could on earth. Something they wish they would have known at that moment but they learnt by experience but never had the time to pass it on to other people?
do you ever sit and think about old memories and old friends and how in that moment you swore nothing would every change? do you look at those people now and try to figure out how they slipped away, and why you couldn't help them up when they were down after that happened?
Do you regret things? or do you believe that there shouldn't be regrets - just things you would have done differently if you had known the outcome, but in a positive way - because in that moment it seemed like the right choice. because sometimes you don't to test the waters before making a decision about something. you just have to make one and see how it goes and try to take the best out of the outcome.
If everything was perfect - would you really be happy? If everything went out according to your plan, would it be perfect? is there even such a thing as perfect? or is it something people have just made up. what makes something perfect? is a number only perfect if it's square route is a number without decimals - or do we only call it perfect cause it's just easier. does perfect let you learn? does perfect let you grow as a person - if everything was handed to you and you never felt any pain - would things be perfect? or would that get old too?
do you ever look at a picture and remember the moment..and the flash of the camera and wish you could go back to that moment just to be able to feel the way you did then? when the photo wasn't the past - when it was a reality and the smile on your face was real. even if it's not to change things - but just to be able to feel the same way again?
do you consider yourself a lucky one?
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[Tuesday
September 27th, 2005
10:53am] |
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life is amazing. things may go wrong, but there's always something good.
it's impossible for life to be perfect because your idea of perfect is different from another's - and if you guys both got your way, it wouldn't be so perfect for the other person. it's all about compormise - you have some good days, but when you have a bad day you can just look at that one night where you felt alive and that's all you need. I've learnt a lot lately that almost everything can be affected by your mindset. If you approach a situation with a good state of mind, it makes a crappy situation a little less crappy. It might not make the actual phsyical situation any better, but it makes it easier to handle.
You have to see the good in things. Like taxes - you might think it sucks , but if you go to the hospital and find someone waiting for their daughter to come out of a surgery , you realize that that's what your money is doing. Sure, sometimes that money might go to a pizza lunch for the premier, either way someone is getting something out of it.
You have to be able to see the good in people. You don't know what they're feeling or thinking. You might think that one of the world's greatest achievements would be to cure cancer or free lots of refugees, but for another their greatest achievement would be appearing on the martha stewart show and telling everyone their family's secret recipe for meatballs. It's not your place to tell that person it's right or wrong. The way you feel about curing cancer is the same one they feel about their family's recipe and it means everything to them.
For me, life is a balance of all these things. It's jsut simply about feeling good. Not about what you shouldn't or should do, it's what puts that smile on your face. Life is singing to the backstreet boys in your mom's brand new car going fast down the highway, it's about that moment when you accomplished something, it's when you smile simply because you realize you have impacted someone else. Life is swimming in freezing water and holding hands under the stars. It's late mornings and McDonalds breakfast.
It's not about being right, but being open to another perspective.
If buying Chanel and Gucci perfume and applying your lipstick every 20 minutes makes you smiles and makes you feel so good, i have no problem with that.
Life is what it is. Everybody has a story that will break your heart.
We are all humans. I'm the same as the confict you just saw a screenshot of on CNN or that picture of the little orphan on World Vision. I'm a human being that has been given so many chances in life and so many oppurtunities and i plan on taking advantage of each and everyone one of them.
I'm probably not making any sense anymore. I just love life with all of it's imperfections. I honestly do - at the end of the day i put my head on my pillow and i start to pray and i don't know where to start. I don't know if i should start by thanking god for all my friends, or if i should thank him for making me worthy of having the world's awesomest friends. or if i should thank him for that man that let me cut in front of him in the traffic lane because i didn't see that the lane ends or that cute old lady walking down the street as slow as humanly possible but does not get discouraged and puts a smile on my face and she doesn't even know it.
and i hope it shows and i hope that when im old and walk retardidly slow on the sidewalk, someone will be laughing at me. and that i'll be able to grow old and be able to see all the times i laugh and i smile and i frown on my face and can look in the mirror and rememeber a memory for each line.
living means loving. and my friends, family, faith and everyone in my life mean everything to me. they may mean nothing to you, but they are everything i have.
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[Wednesday
September 21st, 2005
4:06pm] |
i passed my road test.
100%. boom baby.
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[Monday
August 29th, 2005
10:12am] |
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i remember catherine telling me you were in the hospital.
i remember falling to the ground crying in the middle of the road when jo called me to tell me.
i remember talking for hours to people and crying.
i remember scrambling for shayla's number and calling her at 1 am.
i remember taking the bus to school and trying to hold the tears back.
i remember dave calling me on the bus.
i remember getting off that bus ride that felt like it went on for hours and seeing chelsea.
i remember running to chelsea and just start crying my head off.
i remember having to go into everyone's classes and having to tell them.
i remember praying for so long and just crying with shayla on speaker phone.
i remember phoning st.pauls and not remembering cole's last name.
i remember going to my house and eating lots of pizza, and singing..and crying.
i remember going to jo's house and talking.
i remember having to go to my soccer game where i just kept breaking down, but we won.
i remember having shayla here to help me and i skipped all my classes for a week.
i remember crying so much.
i remember rose calling me and asking me if i would read something at his funeral.
i remember goingt o mitch's house and him playing time of ur life on guitar.
i remember at the prayer service seeing his body there and feeling just so sad.
i remember seeing paul,rose-marie and julie and just felt...so sad.
i remember laughing during time of ur life because shayla's so called waterproof mascara leaked on my white shirt.
i remember having a lot of snotty kleenexes.
i remember seeing some of my friends there.
i remember dressing in all black and taking the drive to his funeral.
i remember giving julie the biggest hug ever and reading what i was going to read at the funeral.
i remember the church filled with sniffles and kleenexes being passed around.
i remember sitting beside andree and julie o., and across from brig,cathy and julie l.
i remember all the people lined up to see luc and realizing he affected so many people.
i remember brig going up to read a prayer in french in front of the thousand people in the church.
i remember being nervous because i've never had to make a speech that actually..mattered.
i remember the priest calling my name and i said the prayer and i looked at the family right in the eyes.
i remember not being nervous soon as i stood up there.
i remember people lipping 'good job' as i walked away.
i remember going to his grave afterwards and his family had invited me to come with them.
i remember all those flowers and some crazy guy taking pictures.
i remember standing there with brig and min and cathy and jut talking till the guy from the cemetary kicked us out.
i remember going to colin's house after and him having a climbing wall.
i remember sitting around the fire and hanging out with andree for the first time.
i remember singing songs and not wanting to eat.
i remember singing drive by incubus and time of your life.
i remember seeing it everywhere..on the news and in the newspaper.
i remember everyone's love and support.
i remember all the days and nights i have cried because sometimes it's just hard.
i remember him and i. and how we were a year ago. and i miss that.
i'm sorry that all my entries have been so morbid i just need to get it out...
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[Sunday
August 28th, 2005
3:10pm] |
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Today would have been our one-year anniversary, but it isn’t.
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[Sunday
August 28th, 2005
12:16am] |
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Have you ever been reading something or talking to someone and have the music in the background..and all of a sudden there will be a word in the song, and at that exact same second you’ll be saying that one word or reading it? It’s been happening to me so much lately. I don’t want to look at it as some weird coincidence.
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[Sunday
August 28th, 2005
12:08am] |
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a bit about me..
My favorite disney character is Flounder from the little mermaid.
I love being on planes and being at the airport.
I like to look at stars and wonder who else in the world is looking at that same star as me.
I like to fast forward through Disney movies to find all the musical parts.
I drink a lot of juice.
I like tropical drinks.
I think way too much.
I don't date because i don't want someone to have to deal with me.
I'm too optimistic.
I trust people too easily.
I can't say no to someone.
I don't like to pass up oppurtunities.
I'm really scared.
I wish I could sing.
I want to be able to change the world.
I like to make people smile.
I love to learn.
I like to take pictures and to go on long drives.
I think Newton's laws of force apply to everything in life.
I can talk myself out of a lot of situations.
I daydream a lot.
....and i'm a total wreck...
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[Tuesday
August 16th, 2005
9:36pm] |
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Being sick sucks so much. They don't even know what's wrong with me yet, i just know whatever is going on is not normal and i'm in so much pain. I cry a lot just because i feel so pathetic. I can't go out and i spend my days watching people on tv doing things that i should be doing with my summer. I wake up...watch tv..eat..watch tv...mom gets home...watch tv...eat then sleep. I'm basicly just waiting for time to pass by. I don't do anything with my days except merely exist. I go to the doctor sometimes, that's pretty much all i do outside the house. I'm not someone who can just do nothing and be fine. I can't just sit and relax, i have to do something! I have to have a sense of accomplishment with each day or i don't rest easy, and i haven't been. I'm not doing anything good with my life and it's killing me mentally, just like whatever i have is killing me internaly. I can't go to camp..i might not be able to go shopping in the states like i've wanted to for a while..maybe i'll even have to cancel my road test. I dont' know what school is going to bring me. I just want things to be normal again..when i can go out, i can eat what i want and just feel..healthy.
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[Monday
August 15th, 2005
11:21pm] |
why do people ask why the chicken crossed the road?
the chicken can do whatever it wants to do.
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[Friday
July 29th, 2005
3:50pm] |
i want to get away.
i want to buy a ticket for the most expensive plane ride and get as far away as possible from anything familiar.
but what good will that do?
i don't want to get away from here.
i want to get away from me.
i'm sorry that you left with what i have become.
take my hand, tell me i'm yours forever..maybe i'll feel fine then.
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[Sunday
July 17th, 2005
11:56am] |
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this time last year, i had no clue who you were.
Who you're friends were, or what you looked like.
Or that you were exactly what i needed.
But I found you.
Don't know where i would be today if it wasn't for you and the life you have given me.
Don't know where i'd be without these memories.
I didn't think I'd ever have to live without you in my life. We always said 'even if we aren't meant to be forever, we're meant to be right now'. I want that back. I want to see you again. I miss your voice, and your laugh. Your hugs and I still can't believe you're gone. I choke back the tears even months later.
this time last year, i would have never believed someone if they told me you would have died before i would had known you for even a year. But here i am. And you're not here. I just don't undeerstand how things work.
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[Saturday
July 16th, 2005
9:53pm] |
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just another face in the crowd. Do I leave an impression, or will you remember me just as a friend in highschool? Would you remember my name, will you remember my face? Everyone seems to have something amazing about them. Some defining feat that makes them 'them'. If it's being a crazy fast runner or the person with the insane laugh. What am I? When someone describes me as 'Oh yah Angèle, you know..the one with..' and so on, what do they say? She's Luc's ex-girlfriend? or am i that really awesome chick that they should meet. Am i the really smart one or maybe the beautiful one? Or am i just an annoying chick you wish to not have around anymore? *sigh* I feel so...conformed, and not by my own will. I feel like i haven't left an impression on anyone. I don't even feel like people would remember me. Or will after highschool. When we are all older and go our seperate ways, will i be in one of the stories you tell to your kids about growing up? My greatest fear in life is not having a big enough impact on someone's life to always be remembered. I want people to know my name. I want to be something more..
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[Tuesday
July 5th, 2005
1:09pm] |
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you may say.."i just don't know what it is about her..." but i know exactly what it is.
Just look at her. That's all you really need.
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[Sunday
July 3rd, 2005
10:12pm] |
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I just finished reading this book. It's amazing. I gathered up my favorite quotes. Feel free to add yours. :)
( The perks of being a wallflower )
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[Sunday
July 3rd, 2005
9:49pm] |
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happy :)
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